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 Here is a snapshot of alumni news from around the globe, selected from hundreds of submissions we receive each term.
- Class of '82 Meshach H. Van Dusen
SGS was saddened to learn that Meschach H. Van Dusen has been banned from competing in international euchre tournaments for use of a controlled substance. Van Dusen vehemently protested his innocence, blaming his
suspension on "the envy of the deviant little yellow vermin who control the sport." Van Dusen went on to explain that any drugs found in his system were part of an effort to treat a rare case of Stovellian Crotch Rot contracted during a celebratory weekend in Sri Lanka. As Van Dusen noted, "atrophy of the undercarriage is no laughing matter."
- Class of '63 Mark Perkins
Mark Perkins 63 (or, as he now likes to be called, "Mark I") is pleased to announce that he has been successfully cloned in Brazil, in yet another Sharpie First. Damn your laws in America, he exults, I shall find life eternal in the great Amazon Basinamong the fecund forest, the vital waters and the string-tight thongs of this great, truly free nation. At the same time, Mark II, Mark III and the nearly normal Mark VII are looking forward to their own first days at SGS in September 2014!
- Class of '72 Roger Jayzon
Roger Jayzon 72 is wondering if any Sharpies have heard of the latest malaria prevention treatment known as the full blood drain. If any brothers-in-arms could drop him a line prior to Thanksgiving via e-mailor at Poste Restante to the main post office in Kinshasahed really appreciate it.
- Class of '77Winslow Linford K. Lansing
Winslow Linford K. Lansing, 77 has finally surfaced. He took a breath, and descended back into the depths of his summer feeding ground off of the coast of Baja,California. He is a whale, and an honorary Sharpie in the ill-fated adopt a form member program that was brought on by a general overindulgence in hallucinogens in the early seventies.
- Class of '61 Mark Kavanaugh
This message is for the 31st anniversary Sharpies Last year, I lost my backpack sometime during the week of the Anniversary. If ANYONE has seen it, it is a Green Jansport and it has a vest, some sunglasses, my copy of the latest John Grisham, and a refillable coffee mug with a no spill lid. Needless to say, it is irreplaceable and has a lot of sentimental value. Thanks in advance!
- Class of '43 Martin Jankowski
Martin Jankowski died on September 3. He was Polish and had a lap-dog named Rinny. Authorities claim that these two details apparently had nothing to do with one another.
- Class of 83' Ronald K. Applebottom
Ronald K. Applebottom 83', was discovered with three bullets loaded squarely into the back of his skull. The young gentleman was found face down in his apartment, with no sign or struggle or break-in. He was dressed as giant yellow parakeet and his feet were covered in a mixture of glitter and goat hair. In addition, at the apartment was a collection of Kathleen Turner videos and a Mexican gentleman who answered to the name "Mr. Tinkles." Foul play is not suspected.
- Class of '90 John-Michael Taylor
John-Michael Taylor is currently missing from Sleepy Gables Home for Social Decency Offenders.
Immediately contact local authorities if he is seen. Perhaps a good day for children to spend
inside under watchful adult supervision.
- Class of 91' Kevin Patrick Kane
Former state senator and Saint Giles Alumni Kevin Patrick Kane was found dead in his apartment
early yesterday morning. At the house, all that was found was a collection of National
Geographic magazine articles about the Eskimos, a 3 foot length of rubber gas piping, 7 pairs of
briefly used men's briefs, and a large wooden mallet. Foul play is not suspected.
- Friends, Lestor and Korin Nilsberg
Lestor Nilsberg and his wife Korin Nilsberg, both of Wayland, Massachusetts recently passed on
this week. Both Nilsbergs had been active within the school fund-raising community,
participating in bake sales, alumni car washes, and geriatric celebrity piercings. The school
will miss these two energetic souls, and can only rest in the solace that they are at a better
place with good, caring people like Jim Henson. You have left big shoes to fill (Lestor size
19!!) and we will do our best to find the heart and soles of SGS alumni to fill them. May the
false Christ you believe in have mercy on your tender, simple souls.
- Class of 91' James Donovan
It is with great sadness that we lament the passing of James Donovan. The international singing
sensation known affectionately as "Jailhouse Buff" choked on his own fist on the 28th of April of
this year in Ripton, Vermont. Known around the world for his sensual showmanship and a voice editor
Rob MacKenzie of The Music Within called "haunting man
fucking haunting," the beautiful, portly, and
somewhat volatile James "Jailhouse Buff" Donovan has left this cruel, cruel world. He will be mourned
by many, missed by multitudes, and remembered by all. Keep rockin Jailhouse
keep rockin'.
- Class of 91' Benjamin G.S. Paxton
Since 1991 Benjamin G.S. Paxton has been bedridden with
chronic fatigue syndrome. This dehabilitating disease has prevented Ben from joining in many of the
activities other young men his age partake in like finding a career or profession, chewing one's food
without assistance, or puttting on fresh clothes in the morning. Although grossly immoble, Ben still
maintains electronic contact with classmates through a state of the art computer he accesses by
personal wind releases. Feel free to contact him at bgspaxton@hotmail.com. His last message asked us
to pass along that he is not dead, his bedsores need rubbing, and that he is extremely, extremely
thirsty.
- Class of 98' Frank Stevens
Class of 98' Frank Stevens, voted most likely to die young, passed on last month from the spinal meningitis he developed while at St. Giles.
- Class of 54' Jim Nevers
Class of 54' Jim Nevers is more than happy to meet up with any other 54'ers. Comfortable with technology, Jim writes, "anyone who wants to look me up can just electronically mail me at my electronic mail account on my personal computer ForeverNever54@hotmail.com . I'd love to keep in touch
and hey, Eddie, if you're out there, you owe me five bucks
just kidding." That Jim
. He'll teach us from saying never say never again.
- Class of 29' Phillip Grippando
Class of 29' Phillip Grippando has died. Word of his demise was sent in a recently received letter from the Belgian Congo dated 1962. Mr. Grippando has been dead for 38 years. Although bleached by the central African sun, the letter states that Mr. Grippando was "cut down while seeking the lost ruins of the Kabala dynasty. He was dismembered and forced to swallow his own 'unmentionables'[sic]." Our thoughts are with his family.
- Class of 98' James St. Edan
Class of 98' sadly lost one of its best and brightest this past year as James St. Edan is gone. James was a misunderstood boy, frequently clad in black, who walked silently from class to class. James individuality made him stand apart and alone form the rest of St. Giles. His diversity is something that makes the school colorful and exhilirating. John Swallows '98, fellow classmate, remembers, "He had great diversity, and it just made the school so colorful and exhilirating." We mourn his loss greatly. Although shrouded in individuality, we shall always remember James St. Edan as that special misunderstood boy, frequently clad in black, who walked silently from class to class.
- Class of 37' George Atwood
Class of 37' Student Treasurer George Atwood still keeps himself busy keeping an eye on those funds. Since his wife Edna's passing last year, George has been able to use the valuable skills learned at St. Giles,"Without my experience at St. Giles, I wouldn't have enough to pay these wonderful young men to clean me each morning." Even after a mild stroke which prohibits him from moving the left side of his body, George is able to get together with other 37'ers each year for a class reunion. "Sometimes we play cribbage, or look at the trees
we talk about our wives some
and then wonder who'll God take next. I hope it's Bert. "
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